WENDY: Death and grieving

Everyone experiences the loss of a loved one at some point in their lives. A pet, a friend, a family member – death is an inevitable part of life. But as adults, we don’t always know how to approach the subject with children, when they are affected by loss and grief.

Enter Wendy, Youth Librarian at Clayton Library, who is here to help, and doesn’t shy away from helping families that are experiencing difficult or sensitive situations.

“How do you explain to a child that a person is no longer there?” Wendy asks, rhetorically. “That someone is dying?”

“How do you find the right words?”

Wendy knows that picture books help parents and educators to find the right words, especially at difficult times when they themselves might also be impacted by a shared loss.

“Picture books give you the space to grieve together, process together, talk about it,” explains Wendy.

Parents and educators regularly ask Wendy for books or resources but are often unaware that help can come in the way of stories rather than non-fiction/fact books.

“Adults refer to self-help books in the non-fiction section when they need help, but stories are the gentlest and most accessible way to help children.”

Wendy presents her first title to recommend to families, The Memory Tree by Britta Teckentrup.

“The colour palette is gentle,” Wendy begins. “The reader immediately is confronted that the fox character is near death. It’s not sugar coated, but the colours make it gentle.”

The story explores how to support someone who is near the end of their life. Animal characters surround a dying fox and show that you can comfort them in those moments. It shows how loved ones come together to share the loss.

“Not happy, not sad,” says Wendy. “The characters remember the fox’s life, the special moments. Everyone has a story to tell, to remember.”

The book demonstrates how remembering and recalling special things about a person is a helpful way to honour and hold the life of someone who is gone.

“The loved ones grieve together and acknowledge their feelings. Only when they are ready do they share their stories and feelings.”

“The person who is gone leaves something beautiful behind,” shares Wendy and she describes how the story places a tree in the spot where the fox once lay. She describes how the idea of ‘leaving something beautiful behind’ can help children to find their way from a place of only sorrow, to a place where there is also room for love and joy.

“This story can be read through the words, or through the pictures, so it can be shared in different ways depending on the age or needs or the child,” says Wendy, sharing her experience as a storyteller.

Sammy In The Sky by Barbara Walsh focusses on the loss of a pet, another common way that children first experience loss, death and grief.

“The book begins in the past tense,” says Wendy, “so you immediately know that Sammy, a family pet, has already left the world.”

This story explores the loving relationship between a family and their pet dog. It doesn’t talk about death directly, but helps children to prepare for the loss of a pet.

“The story reflects on all the good things about the pet, but carries the reader through the journey of their declining health. It shows that it’s ok to cry, and that event parents cry.”

Wendy reflects that often these books, while sought out for children, also give adults permission to grieve freely too.

“This story helps readers to understand the changes that happen as the health of a living being declines, and that you don’t grieve by yourself, you grieve as a family.”

Colour is a significant tool in how the story is told, with the colour palette changing as Sammy leaves the story.

“Colour is important,” shares Wendy. “It reflects moods and emotions and leads you through a healthy sequence of feelings, to understand how to process everything.”

“The story talks about anger, frustration, and the confusion of where the pet has gone. It then goes on to show that joy can be regained when the family start to enjoy and relive the memories and special activities they once shared.”

“When this shift happens, the weight of the loss begins to lift,” describes Wendy.

Daddy’s Rainbow by Lucy Rowland tackles the heavier experience of a child losing a parent. The story opens with the special and joyous relationship between a child and her father, and bright colours bring their connection to life in the first few pages.

“Everyone is happy. Daddy likes to make memories with his family,” Wendy shares. “But the colour in the illustrations begin to fade as dad’s health declines.”

“Like the previous story, this one reassures both children and adults that it is ok to cry. Parents don’t need to hide their feelings.”

Despite Wendy’s enthusiasm to tackle difficult subjects, she is easily moved by what she reads and shares. She reflects, “How do you put colour back in our life when someone you love is gone?”

“Children can use their own initiative to hold their memories and find ways to remember. This story just suggests they do so as a healthy way to find joy again.”

Stories help children to identify and understand their feelings which is important when they are going through something new or difficult as it helps them find the words to express themselves and their needs.

In many cultures, adults don’t easily talk about death and may be inclined to be vague about what’s happening. They may use terms like ‘gone away’ or ‘no longer here’ which don’t properly articulate the finality of a person or pets passing.

“These stories, and others, they help adults to grieve too,” says Wendy. “To grieve with their child. To help parents also come to terms with what’s happening.”

At a time when it’s hard to parent, because they are grieving too, the books Wendy recommends help both parents and children find they need to express themselves.

“Children need help to understand what death and grief is, but parents also need support to parent well through a difficult time.”

These and other titles can be found in our catalogue, but parents and educators can also ask a Youth Librarian at any branch for recommendations about this topic or any other. No topic is too difficult for staff, and we respect the privacy of families who are seeking resources.

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